Nursing Home Life

My Mother is blessed and cursed at the same time. Blessed to be in a nice, luxury style nursing home, but cursed because a serious car accident lead her to this current living situation.

And here she at the end of her life, literally bruised and battered, with a broken body and spirit. It is so hard to witness someone you love in pain, depressed, and bewildered and not have any power to change the situation. Everything is falling apart and I can’t prevent it or do anything about it. I have to breathe in the pain. Breathe in the sadness. Breathe in my inability to stop her life force from coming to an end. We come into this world alone, and we leave it on our own.

This is the season we are in.

Just like how it is right now in New York, Autumn is ending and Winter is about to begin, there is a harsh cold reality coming upon my Mother and my family. Now is the winter of our discontent. There is life and there is death. And I can’t help but feel this downward pull. We are all headed to that finish line.

We believers live in faith that we have eternal life in Christ. We believe this world is our temporary home, it is not our eternal home.

And even though I have faith God will heal my mother’s body, I still see how difficult it is to be elderly and need others to do for you what you once so easily did for yourself. I feel the pain of what it is like to be helpless, feeble, weak, tired, broken, and sunk in despair.

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Going Home

Making my way to the Motherland…New York.

I am excited to be going home, but traveling is tough. I had to get up @ 4:00, and woke up at least five times throughout the night, because I had anxiety that I was going to oversleep.

The line to pass through security was the longest I had ever seen but I was able to make my flight on time.

It is very cold outside, and I am not dressed for it. My winter sweaters and coats are waiting for me on Long Island. I can’t wait to see my Mother.

I will be posting more about my visit in the land I love.

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A particular Airline

There is an airline I use when I travel simply because it goes to an airport that is the most convenient for me to use. And only this Airline flies to that airport.

But it is the Airline’s antiquated system around seating, that doesn’t serve the passengers at all. In fact, I believe it is used to benefit the Airline and the manner in which they sell out planes. Instead of assigning the passenger a seat when you purchase a ticket – they provide you with a confirmation number. With that number, you can go online 24 hours before your flight is scheduled to depart to receive a boarding pass. This boarding pass assigns you a number. That number is used at the Airport when they begin boarding passengers on the plane. The passengers line up in numerical order, and once inside the aircraft, there is open seating and you are free to sit wherever you can find an empty seat. But that doesn’t mean there will be an empty overhead bin nearby for you to place your bag – the people who boarded before you, will get to that overhead bin first!!
This open seating breeds greed and panic in passengers and if you ever want to witness “it’s all about ME” behavior/mentality here you will find it in spades. Like “move out of the way Grandma with a cane” I’ve got to find a seat before I die of stress. It stresses everyone out and makes us all hunter/gatherers in an age where being at the Airport is no longer the glamorous position it use to be – to be traveling to another location by airplane now, is similar to being cattle being shipped to a farm.
Being at the Airport nowadays, going through security, finding your gate (especially when you’re late) finding something to eat, can be an unfriendly (rude) awakening to the lack of kindness we people show each other.
I am going to be the change I want to see in this world. Even though the system is set-up where “number 1” is all that matters, I am going to be courteous, helpful, generous, and show some teeth (in a good way!).
Let’s take back Humanity, humans. Let’s treat each other the way we want to be treated. Let’s not go along with a system that is designed to divide us. Let’s come together as a whole.
After all, this is the season of Thanksgiving and gratitude. Let’s let our HEARTS shine.
Peace out !

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Working with fear

I’m about to get myself in trouble here by starting to blog when I need to get ready for work. I just want to bang out a few words before I need to seriously go. I want to talk about fear, and overcoming fear.

My second (and most important) job is working as a teacher at a Yoga studio. I love to teach, and I feel very grateful to be able to have the opportunity to do this sort of work. In my heart, I believe I am capable, and a good teacher. But I have the fear that one day I will have one of the owners of the studio in my class. This is not a fantasy but a very real reality because they both take classes all the time at the studio.
But from the start, I’ve expressed fear about them coming to one of my classes. And so far they’ve stayed away, but I know eventually it’s gonna happen and I will have to teach them – my teachers. The thought of it almost makes me sick to my stomach, because the thought brings up so much fear about being judged – and my mind assumes I will be judged negatively. Even though, I receive positive feedback all the time, my fear convinces me the worst will happen.

I need to stop here, and will pick this up later.

Dealing with fear is something I want to learn how to work with. We all have fear. How do you handle it?

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Monday

Short work week this week!!!! Yahoo!!!!

I am traveling on Thursday, and will be away for a week. I have been blessed with a partner who is helping me make this get away possible. He will be taking care of my cat while I’m gone. This is the biggest blessing – I am beyond grateful for my partner’s help. Of course, my cat isn’t making anything easy. She has taken to hissing at him, and hiding whenever my partner is home. This is pretty disturbing but I hope they will get along while I’m away. I want them both to be happy, not miserable.

My partner is so sweet. However, my cat is only sweet with me. Since the time she was an itty bitty little nothing, I have showered her with love and affection but she grew into her own personality, and is not the most friendly or loving cat. Even though I have most definitely made sure all her needs were met, and she has been well taken care of (spoiled in fact), there is a side to her that is just not nice. Period. But I’ve never seen this particular side of my cat until my partner came along. She is terrorized by the sight of him!! And he is nothing but friendly and kind to her. It is so frustrating to witness. He treats her well, but she is just horrible in return. Just imagine if that were a child. OMG! I don’t know what I would do.

Well, I am very thankful for my partner’s help, and his kindness. He is very good man, and he is so good to me. I am really happy to have his help while I’m away.

Have a blessed day 😉

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Time to post again

I’m about half way through the 30 day challenge of posting everyday. So far, it’s been fairly easy to find subjects to talk about. This morning, I’m feeling a bit stumped. This could be the result of not getting enough sleep.

Or I could be silent because the thing that is on my mind is not something I’m ready (or willing) to share.

I’ve got a bunch of chores to do today, but I’m feeling extremely lazy. I thought Sundays were supposed to be a day of rest??!! Well, today I need to crack the whip. It’s time I finally got up and got productive.

Hope you have an awesome day!! 😉

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Praising God

I started this blog initially as an opportunity to be creative, to write again, to inspire myself and maybe even inspire someone else, hopefully.

It is my desire to speak openly and honestly about the thoughts and feelings I have – even though it is scary to do just that. What if I’m rejected? What if what I say doesn’t make any sense? What if I receive criticism?

Those questions haven’t stopped me from putting myself out there for everyone in Internet Land to see – I have been showing the good and bad parts of me. The positive and the negative thoughts I have. The encouragement and the discouragement that flows out of me.

I know in my heart, I am being true to myself – speaking from a place of authenticity – and whether or not anyone else sees that – I decided to tell it like it is – from my own unique point of view. Maybe no one will agree with me or “get” me or bother to take the time to read what I write – but in any event, I want to put myself out there – because I don’t want to hide anymore. And above all, I don’t want to be fake – I want to be as true as I can.

But I guess it is confusing or may seem strange or pretentious – if I am praising God in one post and then I am utterly frustrated in the next (especially when I’m angry). You may think it is being hypocritical and phony to praise God one day, then turn around and be negative the next, but the truth is, I have many sides to my personality and not all of me is going to be super sweet and spiritual all of the time, every single day. I wish I could be super sweet all the time. I wish I could be super positive all the time. But the truth is, I am just me. So now what?

Well one thing I am working on is to be better at being consistent – to be steady – to not be up, down, and all around. But that is exactly what happens when I let my emotions control me. When I give in to anger. When I let my grumpiness take over.

But deep down I want to change. To grow up. To mature. To feel the feelings I genuinely have, but not act from them – especially when the feelings are destructive and negative. I want to change, and I also want to admit I have a long way to go. I am that cliche: I’m a work in progress.

And this is where praising God comes in. God’s love for me, covers all my sin. God’s love accepts me as I am, no matter what. God tells me I am perfect – as is. He created me and He doesn’t make mistakes!

I may feel like a good-for-nothing, even a total loser but God says I am an Overcomer. I am Victorious. I have been fearfully and wonderfully made!

I can easily feel bad about myself, but God says: lift your head up high, stand tall, and grab hold of all the blessings I gave you and all the blessings I have in store for you.

You see, it’s all just a mind game. It’s mental!!! Either I can allow myself to focus on the negative or soak in all the positive. It is completely up to me. God has given me everything I need to have an awesome life, but if I keep myself locked in my head of negativity – I will prevent myself from living the best life.
I will remain in a stuck position. Living in fear, living in doubt, living in insecurity, and ultimately living in pain.

God has given me the key to unlock the door to His Kingdom. Will I turn the key?

I praise God for His unending love. I praise God for loving me as deeply as He does. I praise God for guiding me in this process of change.

I struggle with believing the thought that I can and will change. But I need to have faith that I will. I need to trust God more.

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